Music and playing have been on hold for a few weeks now. It has felt hard to be creative and even harder to play anywhere. Most of the time I don’t feel ready to play in front of anyone and then the next moment I can’t wait. It will pick back up, like I said, Summer is weird.

We have found a church that we really are enjoying. It’s called 121 Community Church. It’s in Grapevine Tx. and I really like it. We have made some neat couple friends and are even going to a bible study on friday nights….. wow. It has been very stretching for us. It is such a discipline to make myself available and vulnerable with people, but these people are real and make it easy to just be myself. I need friendships. I need to let people into my weird little world. It will get easier.

Well, I’m tired and grouchy. Steve and I both have been pretty crabby tonight. I’m going to bed. I’ll write more soon. I’m really glad we moved. 

Here is a glimpse into my “now”…. My 21 month old little boy is sound asleep in his bed upstaires. I’m sitting on the back porch while my Grace is playing “babies” in the blow up pool. It is the quiet of the afternoon, when everything seems to take a rest and all I hear are the birds and the breeze…. and a truck. What do I need to hear….. What do I need to see.. My life is moving, I just need to learn how to keep up.

It is very overcast here today and it smells like rain, even though the rain hasn’t come yet. I love that. We will see if this new road will lead somewhere. It will, this time I know it will. 

Today was good. Tomorrow, I don’t know. That is how it has been lately. One day is good the next is bad. One week is good the next, bad. Depression has been a struggle for me for a while. Maybe 18 months or so. I don”t really know why or where it came from pregnancy, stress,who knows, but it is here and I am dealing with it. There is always a black hole in front of me, staring me down, all I can do is stare back and step away. I worry about my kids health all the time, I worry that we won’t make it financially, I worry that I’m a horrible mother and that I won’t be there to protect my kids when they need me. I have a hard time keeping up with all that I have to do to make sure my home is running smoothly. Depression is like a wave I see coming but I can’t do anything about. I try to run for higher ground but my feet are fixed and the wave overtakes me and I am gone. I can hear people talking and Steve tries to “snap me out of it” but it all sounds muffled and far away. I try to pull myself out of the “black hole”, but I can’t.

I can’t, but He can. I am helpless and fragile but I am carried by someone much stronger that I. I’m reminded of when Peter walked to Jesus on the water. Peter was sinking, the storm roared around him, his doubts and failures screamed in his ears but he lifted his head and saw Him. Peter stood up, he steadied his legs and he walked. He walked through the storm and was not alone. I am not alone. Depression says I am alone but I’m not. There will be good days and bad days. My kids will get sick, I will make mistakes with my parenting, I will disappoint my husband and myself but I am who I am and that is okay. I am not alone. When I feel the the gravity of the “black hole” in the room that is all I have say….. “I am not alone” That is the comfort. That is the peace. That is a song:)

Depression may think he has my number but really I have his, and my number is no longer in service. 

It is a strange feeling to have a kid that is narrowing in on 10. I’m getting older. Not really wiser but older. Our kids are out of the baby stage and we are moving into “kid” time. I like this time. I’m ready to move on from the babyness but there is a catch in my throat when I think of the word “over”. Andy will never be a baby again. That time for him is over. Did I miss anything? Was I present?  They are ours for such a short time. Am I giving them what they need to face this world? I guess time will tell. Needless to say, my baby is 7. I Like the boy he has become. I love spending time with him. I just really like him. Well, here’s to the years ahead, I’m sure they will be full. Happy Birthday Andy. I love you.

Today feels dark to me. I miss Tulsa. I miss my life there. I don’t want to go back. I know that we are supposed to be here. It just feels hard today. I’m so lonely. Some days are better than others, today, not so good. Hopelessness crouches in the corner, waiting for me to give in. I won’t. There is a life here to be had it’s going to take time, that’s all. I feel like time and opportunities are moving and I can’t keep up. All I do is damage control. I know that really, that is just how life with small kids goes sometimes and that it will pass quickly. How do you find the balance? How do you chase the dream or calling without sacrificing what really matters. I’m a wife and a mom first, but I see this other thing out in the distance and I want that too.

It will all fall into it’s proper place. It’s a long road but anything worth having you have to fight for. So, the fight continues…..

I cannot create in a vacuum. If I am really going to pursue this I have to grow some thicker skin and humble myself. Both are extremely hard. I want people to tell me that the songs I write are amazing all the time but they aren’t going to be. Steve’s heart is for me. I know that he loves me and he wants me to succeed. Sometimes it’s just hard to hear the truth and accept it. The thing that is so neat to me is that he has been working on a great melody for weeks. I started to sing along with it with the lyrics that I have and it sounded really good. I’m not going to be able to do this alone and there will be times when the truth will hurt but it all will make me a better songwriter and hopefully a better friend. In the end truth always wins.

I want to write my heart. I don’t want to write in such a way that manipulates people into feeling a certain way I want the music to speak for itself. It just makes me excited, to hear new things and know that my sound is all it’s own. I don’t have to sing like Patty Griffin or write like Sting but I can give my own perspective and gift to the world through my music. My friend Sarah gave me a great T-shirt it says “Music moves people” It does…. it definitely does.

P.S. Steve wanted me to make sure that he got the credit for introducing me to Ray’s music. He actually does bring all the great music into the house. There’s another guy to check out. He did the soundtrack for the movie “Dan in real life”. His name is Sondre Lerche……. delicious.