Today has been a good day. Andy spent the night with his Grandpa and his wife last night. He and his little cousin got to go and play with puppies and catch frogs and stay up late. He had a great time. It was his first time to have a sleep over. He felt like a total man.

Today was good. Tomorrow, I don’t know. That is how it has been lately. One day is good the next is bad. One week is good the next, bad. Depression has been a struggle for me for a while. Maybe 18 months or so. I don”t really know why or where it came from pregnancy, stress,who knows, but it is here and I am dealing with it. There is always a black hole in front of me, staring me down, all I can do is stare back and step away. I worry about my kids health all the time, I worry that we won’t make it financially, I worry that I’m a horrible mother and that I won’t be there to protect my kids when they need me. I have a hard time keeping up with all that I have to do to make sure my home is running smoothly. Depression is like a wave I see coming but I can’t do anything about. I try to run for higher ground but my feet are fixed and the wave overtakes me and I am gone. I can hear people talking and Steve tries to “snap me out of it” but it all sounds muffled and far away. I try to pull myself out of the “black hole”, but I can’t.

I can’t, but He can. I am helpless and fragile but I am carried by someone much stronger that I. I’m reminded of when Peter walked to Jesus on the water. Peter was sinking, the storm roared around him, his doubts and failures screamed in his ears but he lifted his head and saw Him. Peter stood up, he steadied his legs and he walked. He walked through the storm and was not alone. I am not alone. Depression says I am alone but I’m not. There will be good days and bad days. My kids will get sick, I will make mistakes with my parenting, I will disappoint my husband and myself but I am who I am and that is okay. I am not alone. When I feel the the gravity of the “black hole” in the room that is all I have say….. “I am not alone” That is the comfort. That is the peace. That is a song:)

Depression may think he has my number but really I have his, and my number is no longer in service. 

Yesterday was a big day. My oldest son, Anderson, turned 7. 7!!!! Time is definitely going by at the speed of light. He was a little tiny munchkin yesterday and now he could tell anyone the ins and outs of Star Wars and other related topics. He has lost his toddler appearance and is a full fledged boy. He has gotten taller and has a wicked sense of humor. He is testing everything and wants answers to all of his questions, right now!

It is a strange feeling to have a kid that is narrowing in on 10. I’m getting older. Not really wiser but older. Our kids are out of the baby stage and we are moving into “kid” time. I like this time. I’m ready to move on from the babyness but there is a catch in my throat when I think of the word “over”. Andy will never be a baby again. That time for him is over. Did I miss anything? Was I present?  They are ours for such a short time. Am I giving them what they need to face this world? I guess time will tell. Needless to say, my baby is 7. I Like the boy he has become. I love spending time with him. I just really like him. Well, here’s to the years ahead, I’m sure they will be full. Happy Birthday Andy. I love you.