We didn’t go to the coffeehouse last night. I was disappointed but we really were not ready. We are planning on going next Monday night. It is a lot different this time, the music thing, mainly because we have 3 little people who demand most of our attention. It is hard to find the balance. They need to learn how to let us practice but they also need us… we’ll figure it out.

Today feels dark to me. I miss Tulsa. I miss my life there. I don’t want to go back. I know that we are supposed to be here. It just feels hard today. I’m so lonely. Some days are better than others, today, not so good. Hopelessness crouches in the corner, waiting for me to give in. I won’t. There is a life here to be had it’s going to take time, that’s all. I feel like time and opportunities are moving and I can’t keep up. All I do is damage control. I know that really, that is just how life with small kids goes sometimes and that it will pass quickly. How do you find the balance? How do you chase the dream or calling without sacrificing what really matters. I’m a wife and a mom first, but I see this other thing out in the distance and I want that too.

It will all fall into it’s proper place. It’s a long road but anything worth having you have to fight for. So, the fight continues…..

I know that I have not posted the new song. There is a good reason. I couldn’t sing for about 2 weeks because of “the crud” and then when I finally started playing through the song with Steve there was an altercation. Okay, not really an altercation,an honesty session. Steve, very gently, expressed his opinion and I stormed out. The lyrics are good but the tune was boring and lacking. I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to creating music. I take every criticism so personally. The fact of the matter is when I really listened to the tune it was boring. I just wanted to come to that conclusion on my own. Steve is a talented man and I have enormous respect for his opinion and, bottom line, I was embarrassed. 

I cannot create in a vacuum. If I am really going to pursue this I have to grow some thicker skin and humble myself. Both are extremely hard. I want people to tell me that the songs I write are amazing all the time but they aren’t going to be. Steve’s heart is for me. I know that he loves me and he wants me to succeed. Sometimes it’s just hard to hear the truth and accept it. The thing that is so neat to me is that he has been working on a great melody for weeks. I started to sing along with it with the lyrics that I have and it sounded really good. I’m not going to be able to do this alone and there will be times when the truth will hurt but it all will make me a better songwriter and hopefully a better friend. In the end truth always wins.