I have a heavy heart tonight. I feel exhausted, not physically but emotionally. I feel as though my heart cannot take much more and then “BAM”, there’s more. I don’t mean to exaggerate(I know that I have that tendency) I just want a day or so of quiet. I am surrounded by hard and stressful things and situations. Situations that I can do nothing about. Marriages cracking under the weight of disappointments and “life” fatigue. Children carrying the weight of other mens sin. People whose lives are slipping away as they sit in offices without any human interaction listening to the hum of their computers and the buzz of florescent lights. Now I’m really being dramatic.

Life is hard. Plain and simple. Tonight I feel that more than usual and it makes me want to run away. It makes me want to get in my car and drive. I am hurting for people that I love dearly. I ache for friends who are facing things that I have nightmares about. Does it stop? Do we get a break? At this point living in a bubble of delusion looks pretty good. Where everything works out just like you want it and everyone is happy. Pain is far away and no one that I know is suffering. Like in the Matrix. Why is that so wrong? I want to save these loved ones. I want to make it all better but I can’t. I want to heal the marriages and make people love again.I want to make the nightmares go away and bring the sunrise but I can’t fix anything, so I am left feeling helpless. But not hopeless. There is always hope.

Life is hard, but God is good.  That is what I will remember as I fall asleep tonight. Steve is sleeping next to me right now as I type. I can feel his breath on my arm. Comfort. I finished my first song in 10 years yesterday… I’ll post it tomorrow.  There is hope…… hope and comfort.       

I have always had a hard time living now, in this moment. I always think of what will happen or what has happened. It is so difficult for me to live now. I’m finding the older I get that it really is a thing that takes practice. For so many years I  have been waiting for music to come knocking on my door letting me know that it is here for the taking. It was a difficult day for me when I realized that that was not going to happen. It was and equally dark day when I realized that I was not going to win the lottery to pay off  all my credit card debt:) It is one thing to say I want to pursue music and live in that direction but it is a totally different thing to actually put myself out there and do it. I find that I have hid behind my responsibilities and my family. I have used them as an excuse,the way someone would use their “sick child” to get out of going out with someone they don’t really want to see. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to live honestly and really put myself out there. I really do have things to offer. I guess that is all. I feel better getting all this out. I feel like I’m on the way… slow as the way may be.