I have a memory. It came back to my mind while I was putting a load of towels in the washer. It was probably five years ago in the late summer. Steve and I had had a rough day being parents and decided to take our three little ones out for a walk before we lost our minds. It was late evening when the heat of the day had dissipated and the warm sweet smell of magnolia and grass were thick after steeping in the humid Oklahoma air. We walked our kids up to the park that was by our house to let them run out their craziness while we sat on a bench to catch our breath and try to remember why we had wanted to have these kids in the first place. Parenting three small children has been hard for these two selfish people and the art of dying to self has really proven much harder than was expected.
At last the kids had run themselves out and were ready to go home for snacks and baths and bed and we were ready for a quiet house and a glass of wine.
I remember walking home and there was a hill that ran down into a valley under a huge pecan tree. There was a soccer field beyond the tree and it spread out in front of us like a huge green carpet. We stood on top of that little hill and looked down to see that the valley was full of fireflies. They were everywhere. Before we knew it our kids were running as fast as they could down that hill and chasing as many fireflies as they could. Our daughters whispy hair was flying behind her as she laughed that glorious laugh of a five year old. Our two wild boys fall-running behind her. We stood on the top of that hill and watched these little people and remembered why we had these children and in an instant we knew that for that day, we would make it.
I turned to Steve and he put his arm around my waist and pulled me in to him and kissed me. It was a good kiss, I remember. In the midst of that late summer evening kiss we heard “Momma, it’s just like your wedding!” Grace’s eyes shone up at us and she turned and continued her chase of the “tiny fairies” as she called them. It was. It was like our wedding. In that moment, with those little people running and laughing, in that kiss, Steve reminded me of a promise he made. A promise made is a promise kept and right there before those little witnesses, I knew he had meant it.
I don’t have a picture of that moment.
I am horrible at picture taking. I’m not good at documenting birthdays or parties or holidays. By the time I remember to get my camera the moment has passed.
“And Mary pondered all these things in her heart.”
I tucked this gem away and it came back. My life is small and it is hard sometimes. Five years have gone by and my nine year old is now a teenager and we are entering a challenging time. I have felt tired and worn down. Sometimes, memories return at just the right time and they give you the strength to press on and look for the fireflies.
So, I’m pondering. I’m taking a moment to look at the pictures that were never taken and smile.
Time is fleeting. It is going by and sometimes I feel panic rise when I fear I’m missing it. But then the pictures from my heart scrapbook come back and I see I’m not missing it. I’m living it.
In this world of Instagram and Facebook memories I sometimes feel pressured. My life’s moments don’t have a sepia tint. I’m just not good at it. I’m not saying that those who post pictures on Instagram are fakers or posers, I’m saying that on all of us, it seems that the pressure is heavy, to always be ready with the camera or a witty post so that people will see our memory filled lives. They need to see that we are really seizing the moment. I don’t seize every moment but today in my laundry room a moment seized me and I was surrounded by laughing children, an arm around my waist, a passionate pounding heart and fireflies.
I’m living it.
Very beautiful Sarah 🙂