Category: Family (Page 1 of 2)

I have a memory. It came back to my mind while I was putting a load of towels in the washer.  It was probably five years ago in the late summer. Steve and I had had a rough day being parents and decided to take our three little ones out for a walk before we lost our minds. It was late evening when the heat of the day had dissipated and the warm sweet smell of magnolia and grass were thick after steeping in the humid Oklahoma air. We walked our kids up to the park that was by our house to let them run out their craziness while we sat on a bench to catch our breath and try to remember why we had wanted to have these kids in the first place. Parenting three small children has been hard for these two selfish people and the art of dying to self has really proven much harder than was expected.

At last the kids had run themselves out and were ready to go home for snacks and baths and bed and we were ready for a quiet house and a glass of wine.

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I’m not sure why I feel inclined to write this. It is Grace’s tenth birthday and so I’m remembering her entrance into the world and all the circumstances around that but there’s more to it than just that. I guess I will tell her story and as I tell it the reason for it will unfold.

“You may not be able to get pregnant again.”

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I haven’t written in a while. Life has a tendency to pick up momentum and leave me chasing it until I’m out of breath and holding my side. Andy is almost done with 1st grade which is unbelievable. Summer is approaching quickly and our house is making the transformation from cozy winter house to baby pool, trampoline, summer house. This is our first summer in this house and with the warmer weather my mind goes to redecorating and gardening. I’m looking forward to making this house into our home, a home with our fingerprint and style. I love summer and all that it brings. We play “Seekers” on Monday night. I’m excited and nervous. I felt so much more comfortable when we sang there this last time. I don’t feel like I have anything to prove anymore, I am who I am. There is a real freedom in that. Steve and I have been working on a few new songs. They were coming pretty easily but now we are having to really think and work them out. It is a good discipline for both of us. It’s so easy to fall back into old habits and ways of thinking, they are comfortable and I know how to navigate them. As it is, everything is so new and navigation is tricky and tiring. I’m not as bound up by “what kind of artist am I?” “where do I fit?” I’m confident in just being who I am and writing what I write. Now I just need to keep writing. I still get that itchy feet feeling of wanting to get going and leave where I am. I want to be here, feel everything and get everything out of this place I’m in before moving on. Life is here, now, and I am here, now. So this is where I want to live. I don’t want life to be playing out right in front of me while I am sitting in the corner dreaming of what might be. Dreams are good and healthy but, if I’m not careful, they can become an obsessive distraction, robbing me of the “now” of life.

Here is a glimpse into my “now”…. My 21 month old little boy is sound asleep in his bed upstaires. I’m sitting on the back porch while my Grace is playing “babies” in the blow up pool. It is the quiet of the afternoon, when everything seems to take a rest and all I hear are the birds and the breeze…. and a truck. What do I need to hear….. What do I need to see.. My life is moving, I just need to learn how to keep up.

We went and played at “Seekers” coffeeshop tonight. Our time slot was at 9:30. We got there at 9:15, running late, as is usual now. We didn’t know that it was “Seekers Idol”. It was a competition and the prize is to open for an established band and get $50. We were the last people to perform. We didn’t get to hear anyone else, we walked in and basically got on stage. It went pretty well. One of Steve’s strings went out of tune, not to bad, but it bugged him. We finished and sat down. We met some really kind, sweet people. It felt so good to talk to people and be out doing what we love. Anyway, they took a vote and we came in second! I was pretty shocked. We went to just get our feet wet I had no idea we would win anything. We are supposed to go back on May 26th and play again to see who gets the $50 and the chance to open. It is so weird to be doing this again. It’s good. Steve is really excited. We have already picked the songs for the 26th and I’m ready to go. We need to finish working up a good set, at least 60 to 90 minutes. It is happening. We are walking down a road that feels familiar but so exciting and new. Who knows where it will go from here but I’m anxious to find out. May 26th here we come! 

We are playing at “Seekers” coffeeshop tonight. We have the songs ready.. they are “Holy Now” by Peter Mayer, “121” by us, and “Set me free” by us. I’m really excited and ready to go and get my feet wet. My friend Kristen is going to come and be with the kiddo’s. I know that it is just an open mic night and that really no one will be there, but it is still the first time we have played in such a long time. I think Steve is nervous, I’m nervous. It’s a start, it’s a new beginning. Starting is always the hardest. I feel like I am getting used to the newness of everything lately. Every single thing we do is “new”. Even the grocery store is new. We definitely left “comfortable” back in Tulsa but that’s okay. Dallas is fun. It’s big and exciting and full of possibilities. Today it feels that way anyway. It goes in spurts. 

It is very overcast here today and it smells like rain, even though the rain hasn’t come yet. I love that. We will see if this new road will lead somewhere. It will, this time I know it will. 

Today has been a good day. Andy spent the night with his Grandpa and his wife last night. He and his little cousin got to go and play with puppies and catch frogs and stay up late. He had a great time. It was his first time to have a sleep over. He felt like a total man.

Today was good. Tomorrow, I don’t know. That is how it has been lately. One day is good the next is bad. One week is good the next, bad. Depression has been a struggle for me for a while. Maybe 18 months or so. I don”t really know why or where it came from pregnancy, stress,who knows, but it is here and I am dealing with it. There is always a black hole in front of me, staring me down, all I can do is stare back and step away. I worry about my kids health all the time, I worry that we won’t make it financially, I worry that I’m a horrible mother and that I won’t be there to protect my kids when they need me. I have a hard time keeping up with all that I have to do to make sure my home is running smoothly. Depression is like a wave I see coming but I can’t do anything about. I try to run for higher ground but my feet are fixed and the wave overtakes me and I am gone. I can hear people talking and Steve tries to “snap me out of it” but it all sounds muffled and far away. I try to pull myself out of the “black hole”, but I can’t.

I can’t, but He can. I am helpless and fragile but I am carried by someone much stronger that I. I’m reminded of when Peter walked to Jesus on the water. Peter was sinking, the storm roared around him, his doubts and failures screamed in his ears but he lifted his head and saw Him. Peter stood up, he steadied his legs and he walked. He walked through the storm and was not alone. I am not alone. Depression says I am alone but I’m not. There will be good days and bad days. My kids will get sick, I will make mistakes with my parenting, I will disappoint my husband and myself but I am who I am and that is okay. I am not alone. When I feel the the gravity of the “black hole” in the room that is all I have say….. “I am not alone” That is the comfort. That is the peace. That is a song:)

Depression may think he has my number but really I have his, and my number is no longer in service. 

Yesterday was a big day. My oldest son, Anderson, turned 7. 7!!!! Time is definitely going by at the speed of light. He was a little tiny munchkin yesterday and now he could tell anyone the ins and outs of Star Wars and other related topics. He has lost his toddler appearance and is a full fledged boy. He has gotten taller and has a wicked sense of humor. He is testing everything and wants answers to all of his questions, right now!

It is a strange feeling to have a kid that is narrowing in on 10. I’m getting older. Not really wiser but older. Our kids are out of the baby stage and we are moving into “kid” time. I like this time. I’m ready to move on from the babyness but there is a catch in my throat when I think of the word “over”. Andy will never be a baby again. That time for him is over. Did I miss anything? Was I present?  They are ours for such a short time. Am I giving them what they need to face this world? I guess time will tell. Needless to say, my baby is 7. I Like the boy he has become. I love spending time with him. I just really like him. Well, here’s to the years ahead, I’m sure they will be full. Happy Birthday Andy. I love you.

We didn’t go to the coffeehouse last night. I was disappointed but we really were not ready. We are planning on going next Monday night. It is a lot different this time, the music thing, mainly because we have 3 little people who demand most of our attention. It is hard to find the balance. They need to learn how to let us practice but they also need us… we’ll figure it out.

Today feels dark to me. I miss Tulsa. I miss my life there. I don’t want to go back. I know that we are supposed to be here. It just feels hard today. I’m so lonely. Some days are better than others, today, not so good. Hopelessness crouches in the corner, waiting for me to give in. I won’t. There is a life here to be had it’s going to take time, that’s all. I feel like time and opportunities are moving and I can’t keep up. All I do is damage control. I know that really, that is just how life with small kids goes sometimes and that it will pass quickly. How do you find the balance? How do you chase the dream or calling without sacrificing what really matters. I’m a wife and a mom first, but I see this other thing out in the distance and I want that too.

It will all fall into it’s proper place. It’s a long road but anything worth having you have to fight for. So, the fight continues…..

I know that I have not posted the new song. There is a good reason. I couldn’t sing for about 2 weeks because of “the crud” and then when I finally started playing through the song with Steve there was an altercation. Okay, not really an altercation,an honesty session. Steve, very gently, expressed his opinion and I stormed out. The lyrics are good but the tune was boring and lacking. I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to creating music. I take every criticism so personally. The fact of the matter is when I really listened to the tune it was boring. I just wanted to come to that conclusion on my own. Steve is a talented man and I have enormous respect for his opinion and, bottom line, I was embarrassed. 

I cannot create in a vacuum. If I am really going to pursue this I have to grow some thicker skin and humble myself. Both are extremely hard. I want people to tell me that the songs I write are amazing all the time but they aren’t going to be. Steve’s heart is for me. I know that he loves me and he wants me to succeed. Sometimes it’s just hard to hear the truth and accept it. The thing that is so neat to me is that he has been working on a great melody for weeks. I started to sing along with it with the lyrics that I have and it sounded really good. I’m not going to be able to do this alone and there will be times when the truth will hurt but it all will make me a better songwriter and hopefully a better friend. In the end truth always wins.