Okay… I know… I’m aware of my “slackerisms” It’s been almost 2 months since my last entry. Summer is weird. It is like a vortex, sucks you in and before you know it 2 months have gone by. Things are really good. Life feels good. We won the “Seekers Idol” contest. It was really fun to go and be with people. I thought we did pretty stinkin’ well. My sweet brother and sister in law and their 2 little ones came and spent the 4th of July with us. We had so much fun. It was good to be with them and laugh and have a few days of pure comfort.
Music and playing have been on hold for a few weeks now. It has felt hard to be creative and even harder to play anywhere. Most of the time I don’t feel ready to play in front of anyone and then the next moment I can’t wait. It will pick back up, like I said, Summer is weird.
We have found a church that we really are enjoying. It’s called 121 Community Church. It’s in Grapevine Tx. and I really like it. We have made some neat couple friends and are even going to a bible study on friday nights….. wow. It has been very stretching for us. It is such a discipline to make myself available and vulnerable with people, but these people are real and make it easy to just be myself. I need friendships. I need to let people into my weird little world. It will get easier.
Well, I’m tired and grouchy. Steve and I both have been pretty crabby tonight. I’m going to bed. I’ll write more soon. I’m really glad we moved.
Well….. Steve and I are playing at an open mic night next Monday evening. It’s a place called “Seekers” coffeehouse. To say that I am nervous is a complete understatement. Terrified is more like it. 10 years have gone by. 10 years and no rain. I was a different person then. I had absolutely no idea who I was and I let other people tell me what to think and how to feel. That girl is gone. That is good and maybe a little bad. I dig my heels in a little with everything and I’m not afraid of anyone anymore. So,that means that my big mouth can get me into trouble….a lot. Anyway, we are playing 3 songs. 3 songs or 15 minutes…. we picked 3 songs that will be good. I think we may play the one that I just finished. That makes it even more nervousing (again… I know that is not a word but it should be) I want to post the song but I have lost my voice due to allergies and can’t sing it. So I will try to post it when I can. What the crap are we doing! Could we really do this music thing again? I know that it will be totally different this time, not so much baggage, but it really is scary to me. Scary and exhilarating at the same time. It’s just 3 songs for now. If they like us they could ask us back to do a whole set. What would that be like? Steve has the tune to a new song and it is really, really good. Slowly but surely it is happening. We are moving into our dream. We have had so many set backs and disappointments, that it gets hard to hope but darn it, here’s hoping. I don’t remember how to sing in front of people. Oh well, as long as I don’t fall off the stage it will be okay. Oh great! Watch me fall of the freakin’ stage….. crap. The songs are coming. The dream is on my heals. Life is happening and hope prevails.
I have always had a hard time living now, in this moment. I always think of what will happen or what has happened. It is so difficult for me to live now. I’m finding the older I get that it really is a thing that takes practice. For so many years I have been waiting for music to come knocking on my door letting me know that it is here for the taking. It was a difficult day for me when I realized that that was not going to happen. It was and equally dark day when I realized that I was not going to win the lottery to pay off all my credit card debt:) It is one thing to say I want to pursue music and live in that direction but it is a totally different thing to actually put myself out there and do it. I find that I have hid behind my responsibilities and my family. I have used them as an excuse,the way someone would use their “sick child” to get out of going out with someone they don’t really want to see. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to live honestly and really put myself out there. I really do have things to offer. I guess that is all. I feel better getting all this out. I feel like I’m on the way… slow as the way may be.
I love spring. I love the way that it makes hope and new resolve well up in my heart. I love the sky. I love the cool wind on my skin. I love to see peoples toes make there first appearances. I love to watch my kids play in the sun, their little round, rosy faces looking at me with utter delight and carefreeness(I know that is not a word.. but it should be) I want to have picnics, go for walks, wear dresses that dance in the wind, pick armloads of wildflowers, lay on my back and watch the clouds… I just love spring.
Today was a really good day. I started babysitting for an old childhood friend of Steve’s named Kristen. She has 2 really cute little kids. Kylee(22mo.) and Kole(3mo.) I was a little apprehensive because taking care of other peoples kids has never really worked for me. Let’s take a walk down babysitting memory lane… There was the woman who wanted me to come to her house and watch her 3 kids everyday and also do a little “light” housekeeping. It turns out this woman was a complete spoiled brat and on my first day she had me organizing her closet and hand washing her unmentionables. The clincher was when she expected me to clean up after she and her husbands “sexcapades”. We’re talking throwing away the condom wrapper and washing other “soiled” laundry. Needless to say it lasted 2 whole days until I said “See you piece of crap later” and got another job. There’s the “handsy” dad. The OCD dad. The bratty kids. The little girl that wouldn’t come out of her room… the list goes on. But this is VERY different. The kids are so sweet and their mom and dad are so laid back and just plain nice. Plus it’s $250 a week. That helps us a lot right now. Anyway, back to Spring. I love it…So,you go spring! Kick winters ass!
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